Santa Fe CSL Blogs
In their book, Gay and Katie describe in clear detail the “moment” unconscious loving begins, so that we have an opportunity to make a different choice and create a conscious relationship, a choice that needs to be made over and over.
The choice point occurs when the closeness of our relationship brings up our issues, which is inevitable as we get closer and closer to a partner. Close, intimate relationships ultimately shine a light on us, uncovering any unhealed material from the past.
The key factor in what happens in our relationship beyond the choice point is how we respond to this most uncomfortable situation. As Gay and Katie describe, if we withhold the truth about what is going on with us at this moment, we move in the direction of an unconscious, co-dependent relationship, rather than a conscious, healthy one.
They further describe how withholding from our partner that our issues are coming to the surface begins to create disconnection and distance that then lead to withdrawing so that we are not fully present in the relationship. Withdrawing then leads to another unhealthy behavior – projecting. Projecting is when we attribute something to our partner that is really ours.
The good news is that Gay and Katie provide us with the antidote to this condition. And it’s so simple (but not necessarily easy). The remedy is to tell the truth. When we are tempted to pull back, hide, and project outward in seeming self-protection; instead we say what is really going on with us.
For example, if getting close to a partner brings up our control issues that stem from being raised by an over-controlling parent, our habitual pattern might be to project onto our partner that they are controlling, even though they are simply mirroring an experience we had in childhood that is now a trigger-point for us, an unhealed part of our past. This projection is likely to create the opposite of what we want. Whereas we want closeness, projection is likely to create distance and disconnection.
On the other hand, if we make the conscious choice and tell the truth, we create the connection we desire and lay the fertile ground for a healthy, fulfilling, close relationship.
In this example, telling the truth would be to acknowledge that we have issues with control and when our partner does certain things our issues of control are triggered. The focus would be on taking responsibility for our experience rather than focusing on what our partner is doing. The real issue is our trigger. In telling that truth, we create the possibility of our partner being drawn closer and we build trust.
The invitation this Valentine’s Day (and every day) is, to tell the truth to your partner, taking full responsibility for your experience in the relationship. The benefits are great as we create a relationship that is authentic, close, and fulfilling.
Enjoy the journey.